Acceptance

Those of you who have been reading my blog a while know that this whole deal with my heart drives me nuts. And you know that I had great hopes that it was actually the gall bladder causing problems rather than my heart. Well, I was wrong. I am reluctantly admitting it is actually heart related. Of course, I've been thinking about this since I pulled out of leg 1 in the race, and I've formed a new thesis. I've got to analyze it and come up with something that satisfies me in order to move on, and yep, these conclusions come straight out of my little head. On the other hand, they are built on information from the doctors, from my own research and my own experience, so maybe they have a little validity - but hey! Isn't that what a thesis is - an unproven premise? So, you ask, what is this new thesis? Pretty simple.

Hello, my name is Michelle and I have a defective aortic valve. I also have a passion for running. I do pretty well until something upsets the apple cart - and those are things like stress, heat and over-exertion. I knew all that, and have known it for a good three years. But then, I got my gall bladder taken out and my running life became wonderful - filled with ease and speed and endurance. So I thought, hey Michelle, it wasn't your heart after all, it was that stinkin' gall bladder. And I ran and ran and ran. I live in the beautiful and mild Pacific Northwest. Things were good through late spring and early summer - just typical pretty days with an occasional high of around 90. I kept running, increasing miles and for a little bonus, got faster. But the idyllic summer was soon to come to a screeching halt. Relay day arrived and the temperature soared. Our heroine (that'd be me) discovered that her heart still reacts to heat. Turns out those dreams weren't quite real. How could that be? How could things have gone so well, then so poorly? My heart reacts to stress. My gall bladder apparently started shutting down about three years ago, coinciding with the dramatic rise in heart problems. The new thesis is that the sick gall bladder put all my systems under stress. Then I'd go out and run and add more stress - ta da! Heart problems. I'd back off and recover, then repeat the cycle. If it got too hot I'd go through it again. If I ran too hard, or much longer than an hour, then the cycle would restart. Once the gall bladder came out, it relieved the extra stress on my systems and let me run well. That is till the hottest day ever fell on relay day.

In the end, it is a good thing I found out. And as many of you mentioned, it was good to find out when I had a van full of friends following me, and Rob running by my side. Now I know, and I can plan for it. It won't sandbag me again and I'll make smarter decisions. Rob asked me if I really thought I was going to cruise all the way to Portland without any problems and my answer was yes! Yes! I was feeling so good and things were going so well, I pretty much thought I was invincible. But now I've had a scary little reminder to keep me in check.

My next task is to figure out what to do about Haulin Aspen. It's at elevation and it's supposed to be hot. Eric, Rob and Steve (all experienced ultra runners) have been giving me lots of needed advice. I've emailed the race director to ask about an early start (it would be cooler). I'm still thinking about it, and I've given myself the option to pull out if it feels too hot when I walk up to that starting line, or at any point during the race. It makes me feel like a quitter, but I know I have to be smart about this. I'm not worried about Portland, or really, any fall, winter or spring races, because the days are so much cooler then.

That's it, that's where I'm at. I'm faster and stronger and can go longer, but I'm not quite as tough as I thought. But you know what? It's still way better than where I've been in the last three years, so I'll take it.